


Take Care ... For The Sake of Your Affectionate A. Ham

by anything_thats_rock_and_roll



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Arguing, Bisexual Alexander Hamilton, Canon Era, Gay John Laurens, Lams - Freeform, M/M, Mild Angst, Minor Alexander Hamilton/Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler, Worry, are you out of your goddamn mind, come home to ME, this may have been partially inspired by a scene from Top Gun...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:20:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27208786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anything_thats_rock_and_roll/pseuds/anything_thats_rock_and_roll
Summary: “Are you *trying* to get yourself killed?”"People like me are supposed to die for the cause. People like you are supposed to survive, and go on to do great things."Or: Hamilton loses his shit when Laurens behaves recklessly. In a totally straight way, of course.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens
Comments: 4
Kudos: 62





	Take Care ... For The Sake of Your Affectionate A. Ham

**Author's Note:**

> I watched Hamilton for the first time last week and immediately became Hamiltrash. I tried to resist writing a fic, but Lams is just too cute! Title is adapted from a letter Hamilton wrote to Laurens, entreating him to stay safe on the battlefield: "Adieu my Dear; I am sure you will exert yourself to save your country; but do not unnecessarily risk one of its most valuable sons. Take as much care of yourself as you ought for the public sake and for the sake of Yr. affectionate A. Hamilton."

Hamilton was writing, as usual, when Lafayette came in. Seated at the second desk in the large tent, scribbling furiously, he scarcely bothered to look up when he heard the tent flap open. Grabbing a second sheet of parchment, he began to take notes, half listening, on Lafayette’s discussion with General Washington. He skipped back and forth between the two pages: one more line of his essay, and then a quick jot about the most recent skirmish with the British; a scratched-out word, some thoughtful revision, and then another hasty note; until-

“And what’s this I hear about Laurens?” Washington’s deep voice asked. Hamilton’s quill stopped moving. A fat blob of ink seeped into the parchment beneath the stationary quill.

“It was not his fault he was not killed or wounded. He did everything in his power to procure one or the other,” Lafayette answered peevishly.

Alexander was moving even before he consciously decided to. Ignoring the confused calls from behind him, he pushed into the night and in the direction of the aide’s tent. He barreled inside and was unsurprised to find Laurens, facing away from him, wearily unbuttoning his deep blue coat.

“Are you out of your goddamn mind?” Hamilton shouted. Mulligan, who had been reading peacefully in his cot, took one look at Hamilton’s eyes burning into Laurens’ back and fled. Laurens, however, continued unbuttoning his coat.

Hamilton had never taken well to being ignored. He took a step forward, hand landing on Laurens’ shoulder and spinning him roughly to face him. “And people think I’m reckless!”

Lauren’s met his gaze coolly, but something wild and manic danced behind his eyes. Hamilton felt his stomach drop. He was used to seeing Laurens lit up with fiery passion, ready to take on the world, but never before had he seen his friend so intemperate.

“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.” Lauren’s voice was clipped.

“Are you _trying_ to get yourself killed?” Lauren’s restraint only riled Hamilton further.

“I would gladly die for the Revolution. So would you.” Laurens reminded him.

“Of course,” Hamilton scoffed. “But this is different. The Revolution needs you alive. You know we can’t stand to lose any more good leaders.”

“The Revolution will be fine. I’m sure someone will be more than happy to take my place.” Lauren’s indifference, so at odds with the whole of his character, jolted Hamilton thoroughly off balance.

“ _I_ need you alive.” Hamilton drew in a ragged breath, surprised to hear the words in his own voice.

“What in hell is that supposed to mean?” Laurens’ voice had a harsher edge to it now.

“I … don’t know,” Alexander admitted. The idea of losing Laurens filled him with a kind of blind panic he couldn’t describe or rationalize. It robbed him of breath, of composure, of rational thought.

“That’s what I thought.” Something painfully sad had entered Laurens voice, and Hamilton was overcome by the desire to extinguish it. “People like me are supposed to die for the cause. People like you are supposed to survive, and go on to do great things.”

“I don’t have anything more to live for than you,” Hamilton retorted. The sentence echoed in his mind strangely. The words felt ambiguous, amorphous, an unintended double entendre. Had he meant to say that he had no more reasons to live than Laurens did himself, or that he had no other reason to live than Laurens? In that moment, they both felt equally true.

“You have a career. A wife. Soon you’ll have a son.”

“You could too.” But no, dammit, that wasn’t what he meant to say at all. The last thing he wanted was for Laurens to go off and get married, to settle on some plantation in South Carolina and leave his side forever.

“I do.” Laurens looked at the ground as he spoke. Hamilton’s jaw dropped.

“You what?” Hamilton interrupted, speaking over Laurens as he continued his sentence.

“I do technically have a wife, and a daughter, though I haven’t seen or thought of them in an eternity. But it’s not what I want. I’m not like you. And I can’t have the things I want, so what point is there in caution? What have I to come home to?” John’s eyes sparkled with uncharacteristic tears. His voice was no more than a whisper, choked with emotion, as if pleading with Hamilton to understand some deeper truth without his having to say it.

For the first time in his life, Hamilton was speechless. His very being ached with the desire to take this pain off of his friend’s shoulders, to wrap him in his arms and protect him from everything in the world. Laurens’ words filtered through his mind again. _Come home to ME_ , Alexander’s brain screamed. If John returned safely from every battle, if he always looked at Alexander with warmth in his eyes, if they could write and lead and live together through the Revolution and build America together afterward… that would be enough.

“John…” Hamilton started, completely unsure of what words should come next. He stepped closer without thinking about it, fingers reaching up to brush a lock of soft hair away from Laurens’ face. It occurred to him that perhaps these were the sorts of things people like him were perhaps not supposed to want.

But then John’s hand came up and curled around his own. For one terrifying moment, Alexander was seized by the fear that John would slap his hand away or strike him. He flinched, but Laurens just squeezed his hand reassuringly.

“I have ruminated and pined in silence for interminable days out of fear, in my certainty that such discussion would inevitably be met with disgust. I valued my place by your side far too highly to jeopardize it with greed. Unlike you, I have no desire to follow in Icarus’ footsteps.” The ghost of a smile flickered over John’s drawn face.

“I find myself offended at your lack of faith, my dear boy.” Alexander smiled. “As if such feeble things as social mores should supplant my affections for you. We are in the midst of building a whole new society, are we not?”

Alexander found himself mumbling the last few words nearly against John’s lips as the distance between them dwindled.

“To the Revolution,” John whispered, and kissed him.

**Author's Note:**

> The quote from Lafayette at the beginning is an actual quote. The idea of Laurens being reckless in battle because he's so hopeless (which some historians say is relatively common among queer people throughout history) made me so sad that I had to fix it. 
> 
> Also, Laurens did refrain from mentioning his family to Hamilton for like a year and a half after they met. Hamilton was not super stoked to find out (by reading some letters, I might add- Laurens never actually told him). Laurens had married Martha Manning out of a sense of duty after getting her pregnant, but left for the Revolution before their daughter was born and never saw either of them again.
> 
> If you liked this, pleeeaaseee seeeeend promptssss because I'm bored and can't think of anything else to write about these two.


End file.
